PRISMATIC ROOTS SERIES

---

This is what severe depression looks like. The process of surrendering and allowing the sun to transform my pain into healing powers. When I began to feel weary and fatigued the sun was a healing energy that allowed me to connect to a higher power to surrender all the heavy burdens that I chose to carry in my life I felt in this moment like I was weighed down very low carrying the weight of my deep depression due to loss and betrayal  the sun is burning beginning to swallow me with its fire and purifying my soul.

I have been playing flamenco guitar since I was 12 yrs old, and music has always been a source of healing. In my travels music was always a wonderful way to connect with people. In my darkest hours music saved my life. I spent late nights pouring my soul into a journal of songs. Performing allowed me to feel as if I was confronting my personal demons, it was a therapeutic exhale that connected me to a higher power. I love music and I enjoy all genres and musical styles.

I was invited to take part in a native American circle to bring in the new harvest. It took place on a beach on a full moon. It was a beautiful display of dancing around a fire, a drum circle, white crocheted shawls, and a wonderful ceremony where I was cleansed with sage and given peyote. I spent that night feeling like I was electric with color and had a most interesting conversation about love with a man on the moon.

  This was how I felt the morning after I lost my daughter. Letting go of you was experiencing a death and I sank deep into the mud. I punished myself and made myself feel less than dirt. You are gone and I am still here and as time passed the sun rose and I began to lift my eyes towards a higher power. This water is what fed my soul, and I began to grow up.

In April of 2022 I was involved in a motor vehicle accident that left me with a right shattered wrist and fractured elbow. I lost the ability to use my right hand, which was the hand I painted and played guitar with my dominate hand. I experienced excruciating pain through months of physical therapy to be left with 70% use of my right hand. I taught myself to paint with my left hand. Today I endure painful strength training to keep mobility in my right hand and have adapted to a new painting style. 

This was my first attempt at painting with my right hand. I taught myself to do everything with my left hand and forced myself to use my right hand as much as possible. I continued to try different forms of therapy so that I could have mobility in my hand. It felt like I was in hibernation, I spent my entire life using my hands to create art or pluck a guitar to make music and suddenly those tools were taken away. I refused to give up and I began to take pottery classes and piano lessons to gain dexterity and movement in my right fingers. After I painted this I began to battle cancer and was not able to paint for another year later.

I only saw changes in my life when I decided to open my heart and receive the love and healing that god can only give us. After my accident and being diagnosed with Kidney Cancer I decided to leave my position in our business and stay home. The time I have been home brought a stillness and a silence that forced me to look up and go through a healing journey. I am still fighting demons, but I am equipped with he tools to fight back and overcome any challenges that are thrown my way.   

Though at times I have felt overwhelmed at the start of a new journey I will not fear anyone or anything. Never have the mindset of turning away from things in life that are hard. Instead look right in the direction of your fear and face it with enthusiasm for change brings about only good things.   

There are two sides to every person. It’s the same in nature where there is night there is day, or where there is joy there is pain all at the same time. I have always observed the world as if I was looking at myself in the mirror. I sometimes feel as if I’m watching things unfold outside of myself. I felt many times as if I was living someone else’s life and the real me was watching from the distance.   

I consider myself a survivor and I had to fight and battle hard to succeed in my life. This made me a warrior and I am ready and willing to fight for peace and happiness and funny enough gained a nickname from my husband. I gained my strength through some of the biggest setbacks in life. I found strength and hope though my relationship with the universe and God who lives in me.  

I found so much beauty and transformation in my darkest barren moments. In the moments that you surrender and allow God to strip you of the hardened exterior hidden inside there lies beauty, vulnerability and strength.  

Mental Illness touches everyone, and it does not discriminate. Suffering with severe depression is a daily reminder of the gratitude and grace you experience when you are healing and coming out of the dark depths of depression its like the sun come out to expose the dark and the work of healing begins.  

I feel like all women have experienced a toxic love. I was involved in an abusive toxic controlling relationship which led to marriage for 7 yrs. I was love bombed then after marriage I was verbally abused and controlled by the fear of my daughter being taken and I imprisoned for the rest of my life. These threats became real when I had to terminate my rights of my daughter when she was 10 yrs old. I am not proud of that season of my life and vowed to change my life and become some one that is not weak and lost in a mental war of loving someone that hurts you. I dug deep to understand why I ran into the arms of abuse. I had to stand up and choose to love myself and walk towards healing and real love and companionship. I am proud to say I married my best friend of 13 yrs and found a true soul mate and equal that allows me to flourish and grow as an artist.